If you have found yourself wondering whether your partner is a narcissist, you are usually not reacting to one dramatic incident. You are reacting to a pattern — feeling responsible for their moods, apologising for things you did not do, and coming away from conversations feeling smaller than when you went in. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a clinical diagnosis, and only a qualified professional can make one, but the traits behind it are recognisable long before anyone is diagnosed. For more information, see our couples counselling.
Below are the nine traits clinicians look for, followed by what those traits actually feel like inside a relationship, how to prepare if you are leaving, and where to get support for yourself.
The Nine Traits Clinicians Look For
(1) Sense of Entitlement
(2) Lack of Empathy
(3) Preoccupation with Beauty, Success, Status, Power, or Ideal Love
(4) Demonstration of Arrogant or Haughty Behaviours or Attitudes
(5) Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
(6) Belief they are special or unique and can only be understood by, or
should associate with, other special or high-status people or
institutions.
(7) Need for Excessive Admiration
(8) Interpersonally exploitive behaviour
(9) Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
Even knowing the official criteria for diagnosing a narcissist does not usually make it easier to spot a narcissist, especially if you are romantically involved with one.
What it boils down to is selfishness at the expense of others, plus the inability to consider other’s feelings at all. NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) is not black or white, it falls on a spectrum.
The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NDP, but it specifies that a person only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify as a narcissist.
I often have clients that say, “Well I think he does have empathy”. Well yes of course a person with NDP will have some empathy as the criteria says “lack of empathy”. The criteria does not say “no empathy”. However, if you pay attention closely to what the person you suspect may have NPD their ability to empathize tends to relate to their
feelings not others. So yes the person with NPD can cry or be sad when someone they love dies or gets sick. However, an example of a narcissist lacking empathy would be, say you told the narcissist your car was broken into the day before and a bunch of your items were stolen, the person with NPD may pretend to care but if you watch closely they most
likely do not care because it was not their car that was broken into or their items that were stolen. However, if the next day the person you suspect may have NPD has their car broken into and their items stolen they may seem enraged and very upset. So empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone’s else shoes without ever experiencing what that
person experienced. People with NPD lack the ability to put themselves in someone’s else shoes and actual care about another’s feelings. Sometimes the narcissist will pretend to care because they know that is the social acceptable thing to do, however if you listen closely to their words versus their actions you often can see that their words are not genuine or sincere.
Part 1 of the points to remember on how to recognise that a person may have NPD:
(1) Narcissists often have this air about them that excudes confidence. They are often very charming especially when they first meet someone. People often get sucked into their charm and confidence and tend to like and trust a person with NPD. In regards to a romantic relationship a Narcissist tends to come on very strong. It may seem like a fairy tale
or too good to be true. The narcissist may have texted or call you constantly or perhaps told you they loved you within the first month. Something the experts refer to as “love bombing”. Or maybe they tell you how smart you are or how compatible you are, even if you just started seeing each other. People with NPD will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in the relationship to hook their new
love interest. So therefore be aware if someone comes on too strong in the beginning and you suspect they may have NPD.
(2) Often the person with NPD has a good sense of humour and/or can often be the life of the party. These qualities are often likeable especially in a dating relationship and will suck a person into a intimate relationship with a narcissist.
(3) Often the person with NDP will hog the conversation and talk about how great they are. Narcissists love you talk about their own accomplishments and achievements. The narcissist will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in stories in order to gain admiration of others.
(4) Often the person with NDP will think they are right about everything and it apologize. Fighting with a narcissist feels impossible. There is no debating or compromise with a narcissist because they are always right.
Okay, so now you are dating a narcissist now what?
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist chances are you have already experience quite a bit abuse. Being in a relationship with a narcissist who is always criticizing, belittling, or gaslighting and not committing to you is exhausting. That is why the experts recommend that
you get out of the relationship as soon as possible and do not look back for your own sanity.
How to prepare for a break up with a narcissist.
(1) constantly remind yourself that you deserve better
(2) strengthen your relationships with your empathetic friends
(3)build a support network with family and friends who can help remind you what is reality
(4) read up on narcissist personality disorder and educate yourself on the condition
(5) get a counsellor yourself as soon as possible as you will need support to help you leave the unhealthy relationship
Remember you cannot change a person with narcissist personality disorder or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their unrealistic desires. They will never be in tune with you, or never empathetic to your experiences, or you will always feel empty after an interaction with them. Narcissist cannot feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them. Essentially, you will never be enough for them, because they are never enough for themselves. The best thing you can do is cut ties. Break up with them and offer them no second or third chances. Often the narcissist will most likely make attempts at contacting you and harassing you with calls and or texts once they have
processed the rejection. The experts recommend blocking the narcissist to help you stick to your decision.
What to Do If You Recognise These Signs
Recognising the pattern is genuinely disorienting, because narcissistic relationships train you to doubt your own account of events. Start by writing things down as they happen. A dated, factual record is not paranoia — it is a way of holding onto your own version of reality when it is being steadily contradicted, and it is often the single most stabilising thing people do.
Be cautious about couples counselling as a first step here. In a relationship with a genuinely narcissistic partner, joint sessions can be turned into another arena for blame, and a skilled counsellor will usually want to see you individually first to make sure the process is safe for you. Individual support gives you somewhere the account of your own experience is not up for debate.
If any part of the relationship has involved being threatened, controlled financially, or frightened for your safety, that is not a communication problem and it is not something to work on together. In BC, VictimLinkBC is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-563-0808, and in an emergency you should call 911.
If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist, or you want help getting out of an unhealthy one, you do not have to work out the next step on your own. Interactive Counselling’s Kelowna clinic is open seven days a week, no referral is needed, and you can be seen in person or online. Call 250-859-4485 and ask to book with a counsellor who works with people leaving abusive and coercive relationships.
